It's Not Supposed to Be This Way

This. So much truth.

I found myself in its pages and in its words. Although my struggle and my “I don’t know” is different, the pain is the same—the loss of what was supposed to be.

I have had to learn to let go of perfection and expectations and to trust in Him. Not just say I trust in Him, but to live trusting in Him. To give my faith walking legs.

I have also learned that I am not alone.

In some way, we are all turned “upside down” at some point in our lives. But it is from that new perspective, when real connection, authenticity and compassion happen.

It is the “breaking of us. The making of us. The building up of our faith.”

He is strengthening us for His purpose.

Our faith can offer a foundation of hope for others when they too are upside down.

When we “can’t find our footing with our own faith...we can go and stand on someone else’s for a while.”

Thank you Lysa for allowing me to stand on yours.

We all really are “beautiful souls held together by equal amounts of belly laughs and serious sorrow.”

That is life.

Laughter and Tears.
Joy and Pain.
Upside down.
Right side up.

I am messy. I am marvelous. I am so very alive.

What Would I Tell Her?

I love this picture.

I loved my life and my two precious babies. This was us—before school, friends, sports, cell phones, drivers license, social media—before the world really came into our lives. In this picture, we were our whole world; it was just us.

As I look at this picture now, what would I tell that Michelle? What would I want her to know?

I would tell her that these children do not belong to you. You can love, protect, pray, provide, invest, nurture, but they are not yours. They belong to the Lord.

I would tell her that because these children belong to the Lord, you will learn to rely on Him more and more.

I would tell her that their life journey is just that—their journey. Your role is to point them to the Lord and when they do not go that direction, to remember that it is their journey. And so, you pray.

I would tell her that these two incredible children will be the source of your greatest joy in life, and sadly, at times, the source of your greatest pain. Embrace both—the joy and the pain.

I would tell her that motherhood will ultimately make her a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, just better.

I would tell her that through your love for your children, you will come to understand love in a way you never have before—to love as Christ loves. To love with no expectation of anything in return. To love even when someone is unlovable. And through that love, you will also learn to forgive as Christ forgives.

Lastly, I would tell her that you will come to appreciate the man you married as a father. The qualities that attracted you to him will even become more valuable as the years pass—loyalty, compassion, kindness, and a desire to walk with the Lord.

So, I love this picture.

And every picture after this one.

Looking at this picture now, I would tell that Michelle that your journey will be good, and when it is not, that He will be with you. And, you will be thankful for the journey. 

There She Was

Today after church, Tensey pulled in to park at a restaurant for lunch. As I went to get out of the car, I was able to see into the parked car next to us.

There she was. A woman, sitting in the front seat of her car—sobbing.

She went on to drop her head into her hands in total despair.

She was alone.
She was broken.
And she was so lost in her own sadness that she did not even notice me looking at her.

I did not move, but watched her for several seconds.

I know that kind of pain.

I have no idea who she was or what her pain was. But my heart broke for her.

In today’s world of perfection and image, this reminded me again that everyone has a story; everyone has battles. Today it was her crying in the car alone, tomorrow it may be me, or it may be you.

Nothing changes people like pain. Nothing.

But, I am so thankful for a Savior who suffered and pressed into His pain, knowing ultimately that He would conquer pain and death.

So there is also joy.
And there is hope.
And there is love.